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| Hannah Elizabeth Newman
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Hannah's story
Jamie and I had just celebrated our first anniversary. . I was feeling tired all the time. . .I could barely keep my eyes open after work, and I figured I was probably coming down with the flu. A few weeks went by and I was still tired all the time and I realized I was also about 2 months late. . which was no big deal for me anyway. . I was always late, sometimes I went months without having a period. .I didn't think I could possibly be pregnant but I went to the store and got a test anyway, just to rule it out. When I seen that + staring back at me, I burst into tears. . There was no way. . I was scared to death. . .I was barely 20 yrs old. Jamie and I had just been married a year and were still at that stage where we fought all the time. . .I didn't know what we were going to do with a baby. Could we handle being parents? Could our Marriage handle it? We were so unprepared, finacially, emotionally, mentally. We didn't tell anyone for weeks. . we barely spoke to each other for weeks, we were still in shock. I knew I wanted the baby. . but I was so scared. .We went to my family doctor a few weeks after my + hpt to confirm and we heard the heartbeat. . .we were amazed. . . our shock soon turned into complete and utter LOVE.. I couldn't wait for my belly to get big. . We told everyone we knew. . I think I started wearing maternity clothes as soon as I could. lol I was so excited. .. Jamie started talking to my belly . . I started buying little girl clothes ( I knew that is was a girl- I always had that feeling)and getting her room ready. . We had a little scare early on. . I started spotting a little bit but it only lasted maybe a day or two and everything went as planned. . until the 5th month. I was about 21 weeks when we went into have a routine ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. As soon as the lady doing it started looking around she acted wierd.. . I kept asking her what she was doing, why she was measuring that so many times ( she was measuring the stomach area-looking for kidneys)she asked me tons of times if I had been leaking any fluid, " was I sure?" and I was getting worried but she wouldn't tell me anything. . she called someone a head of her to come look said she just wanted " to have someone else look around- to make sure that she got everything she needed to" she said it was standard procedure ( she just didn't want us to worry more than she knew we already were)they whispered stuff back and forth and Jamie and I just kept staring at our beautiful little girl ( I was right) on the screen. . We could see her sweet little nose, and she was sucking her thumb, we were so in love. . .I was amazed, I just wanted to lay there forever and watch her inside me. The ultrasound lady told me to go to my ob's office and he would discuss the ultrasound with me there. So jamie and I sat on his couch and waited. Our somber looking doctor came in and sat down and just the look on his face was enough. I knew something was wrong. . The first words out of his mouth were" if something were to go wrong with this pregnancy would you consider termination?" My jaw dropped and I was like " how DARE he ask me such a question!" I was outraged! So I quickly told him no. Then he went on to explain what they "thought' was wrong with our daughter. . The ultrasound showed that her kidneys were not developing, that she had little amniotic fluid, and that her lungs would not develop without the fluid. ( this condition is very rare, it's called Potter's Syndrome) Our ob said that She would die as soon as the umbilical cord was cut, if not sooner. His suggestion was that we terminate now, or get a second opinion. . We were so confused that day. . He could see that and told us to go home and think about all this and come back when we felt we were ready to discuss this more. . We both went to work the next day and everyone asked the general " what is it?" etc. I lasted half a day. . I went home faking to be sick. (I didn't return until almost a month later. I couldn't face anyone, poor Jamie told everyone about it, I couldn't even look at anyone, I couldn't even look at my belly without bursting into tears). .We went back to see my ob to find out more. . he suggested we go see a specialist and we did. . We seen 4 of them in fact. We had level II ultrasounds done. . we had one after the other. .for months we drove 3 hours one way every week to see another dr. who told us the same thing. We finally opted to continue seeing our local ob and to schedule delivery at the specialst hospital ( which was right next to the children's hospital so that our baby could be sent directly over there after birth if anything could be done to help her survive. . )I continued to get her room ready, we never gave up hope. We started going to church regularly. . I prayed and read my bible faithfully. I prayed for a miracle. . . I knew that is what it would take for our baby to live. . I also had 4 of my friends pregnant at the same time that I was. Their babies were all growing healhty and were doing good. . I was jealous and angry and scared. . we started drifting apart. . I felt so alone. . We picked out a name for our little girl. . We decided on Hannah Elizabeth because Hannah meant 'God's Grace' and Elizabeth meant " God's promise" I just knew that God was going to make our sweet baby whole. . .he just had to! It wasn't meant to be though. . On Christmas eve, 1998, I started having Contractions and got sent home from work. . we thought I was going into labor. . but the contractions soon stopped. . I went thru Christmas day and the day after, tired but making it okay. . On December 29th. .I woke up about 2 am with sharp pains. . i told Jamie that is was just gas and that I would be okay. . the baby wasn't supossed to come for another 3 weeks. .
I kept moaning and hurting until Jamie all but dragged me in the car and drove me to the hospital. . by the time we got to the hospital my contractions were constant. . I was dilated to 4 and they couldn't fly me to the hospital I was scheduled to deliver at. . I was devasted that my baby would have to fly without me to the NICU there. . after delivery. . I still did not think that she would die. . Hannah Elizabeth Newman entered the world at 8:13. I remember her being pulled from me and I heard her cry a little bit. .I remember saying" she cried, that's a good sign, right? she can't cry unless she has lungs, right?" everyone was silent. . They immediately took her for testing. . I didn't even get to hold her first. . the ped. came back within minutes telling me that her apgars scores were low, too low. It was not looking good. . She came back just minutes later and said that the test showed that she did not have any kidneys, very little lung tissue. . did they want us to put in a "stint" to help her breathe a little longer, better? I said " I just want to hold her. . "They brought her to me. . and I remember thinking that she was so beautiful. . She cried off and on. . a soft mewing kitten sound. . .We cried so hard. . . we just held her. . I kept putting her between me and Jamie and squeezing her, holding her, telling her how much we loved her and that it was okay to go. . that God will take care of her. I didn't even know what I was saying. . i just knew that I wanted her to know that we loved her. . I must've said it at least a million times in that 3 hours. . Someone took pictures, Jamie's mother or mine. . someone else too. . I don't remember but I know that we have them now. .She would cry a little and I would say" is she suffering, please, I don't want her to hurt, make her quit hurting, please" the nurse kept assuring me that she was fine, this was normal when they are " going" that she really couldn't feel anything. We got to hold her for 3 hours before she passed away. . She died in our arms. . with our favorite nurse standing at bedside. . I held her for as long as I Could then asked that they take her from me. . I wanted to remember her alive. . Jamie ****tears***carried her down to the nursery. . He has said that that was the hardest, longest walk he has ever had to make. . We had her funeral on New Years Eve. . .It has been a little over 3 years since her death. . It's hard. . I've been thru therapy. . and its helped. .I'm still on antidepressants. . and they have helped. . but what has got me thru it all has been Jamie. . wihtout him. . I would be insane by now. . he has kept me floating. . .I still regret a lot of things. .Like that I didn't give her a bath or dress her in the "coming home" outfit that I had for her. .that I didn't go see her at the funeral home. . so many things. . I miss my friends that had healhty babies.. . so much has changed. I have changed. and I miss her so much. . .But making this has helped me . . thank you for taking the time to read this. . .
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I will add some poems that I have written and collected later on. . .
I now co host an infant child loss bb on Fertile Thoughts. The ladies on that board have been a God sent for me. . . They are a wonderful support group, that remember Hannah and support me. . I've never met any of these people in "real life" but they are my closest friends. . .The site has tons of support, about parenting, infertility, to loss. . click on the link below to find out more. . . My board is under Parenting and is called the Infant/child loss bb. Just going to this board everyday and reading it has helped me tremendously to know that I am not alone. . . I am hoping to be cohosting a Parenting after loss bb soon. . . .
www.fertilethoughts.net
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